Emailing Osama

CW FISHER. Osama, thanks, got your message, can't stop shaking, good one. Wondering why you don't get a better tape recorder, or at least hold it closer to your mouth. You sound like Neil Armstrong. You know. From the moon? Never mind. Sam, they're saying these tapes of yours are how you wake up your sleeper cells, but if that's true, my opinion, you're putting them right back to sleep. Have you listened to you? You have a very musical voice, it's true, very soothing, you could do meditation tapes some day, huge market for that, but for now it would be great if you could just say what you mean. You don't have to speak in code in America! Our government is on everything we do. We're the transparent society! Everybody here reads everybody else's email. We'll get to yours. Americans are very busy people, Sam, and when you see us staring at our palms? That's us, busy. Over here if you don't say it in a headline, you didn't say it. Not that we wouldn't read it if we could but American editors digest it for us first, translate it, boil it down, and we trust them. This isn't Europe. We don't have BBC World News. We're told only what we need to know, which is even less now that we've got Tee-Vo. Our trusty CIA/FBI team under Homeland Security said you said nothing new. Just that we better be good or we'll die horrible deaths in our homes. That's what I heard. Is that what you said, Osama? Horrible deaths in our homes? Because I'm having a hard time finding your transcript. Seems like somebody on the World Wide Web would find your actual words interesting. Then I heard you offered a truce! Now this, this is very new. Truce. Cessation of war. And who are you again? Your role in the world, once more, is what? Do you have a title, an affiliation, a suit you could put on, some aftershave? Who are you to call a truce? Sam, Samula, Sammy, Osama. You know this! We Don't Negotiate With Terrorists? Remember? Even Jr. President Scotty McClellan knows that! He didn't need the real president's approval to tell you to stick it. Did you hear him go off on you, man? I would avoid Scott for a while. Still, I like it, this truce thing. Could you make it stick? A truce meaning no violence, no suicide bombs, car bombs, roadside bombs, none of it? Because if you can, you should. If you have the power to hold up your hand and say stop -- and they stop -- then do it! No permission necessary. It's like street magic. If the trick's good enough, the audience will come. Then if you can figure out how to prove that something didn't happen because of you, we hope you'll share your findings with the quantum physicists. Hey, gotta go but good to hear from you, appreciate the heads up and thanks again in advance for the truce.